New author looking for a critique of my writing sample.

Robert Manfrey

Possibly a Darkfriend
Hello there, I am a first time author and currently sending out query letters for my book Dragon Patriarchs: The Golden Path. This is all very new to me and the marketing aspect is completely alien to me, but I am learning. What I am asking for is a critique of a sample of my writing. I have a preview on createspace in .pdf format. I am happy to do a tit-for-tat if someone would want me to preview their book as well. Let me know if you are interested. You can find my preview here. Thanks